I honestly never thought this day would come. I feel like a dumbass, but I’m done smoking forever. Fuck cancer sticks. They aren’t worth it.

I’m changing my life today.

Thank you Dad, for not telling mom, and understanding why I did such a stupid thing. You’re the best. xo

I just want to sleep. :’(
I can’t fucking sleep…

Fuck everything right now… I’m not angry though. I’m just… Really, really fuckin’ upset. It may seem like nothing to you, but my boyfriend is moving to Nevada next summer for a few months, and it’s hitting me now for some reason. Tonight we got into a fight about it, and he went to bed mad at me. I’ve been up listening to “Yo Side Of The Bed” by Trey Songz on repeat, on and off crying. I called his best friend to talk about it all because I couldn’t take it anymore, and he said that it wasn’t my fault that the fight happened… But even though he says that, I still feel that it was my fault. I feel empty right now. I have no more cigarettes, and I’m stressed the fuck out. I totally blew off studying for my exams tomorrow because I just don’t care. I just want Devin to wake up, and call me, and tell me he’s sorry and he wants to forget about this whole argument, then want to fall asleep on the phone with me like he always does. I hate fighting, but I really hate fighting with the one person I love the most. He is my goddamned everything, and I don’t know what I would do without him, so every time we fight it feels like my whole fucking world is crashing down and it fucking sucks. I just wish I had my license and a car, because if I did; as soon as our argument ended, I would be at his house apologizing, crying in his arms and telling him how much I fucking love him, and how much I need him in my life. None of you truly understand how much this kid means to me. He makes me feel so fucking great, and I’m so damn in love with him, that I don’t want to lose him… Ever. The thought of him leaving for three months is horrifying, and I don’t want it to happen, but I also don’t want to keep him from his little sister and biological parents. I’m not seeking advice, I’m just venting. I know everything I need to do, and how to fix this… I just have to wait until morning. I just hope he knows I’m sorry after the umpteen messages I sent him, and his best friend telling him how hard I cried on the phone with him for an hour. I can’t deal with him being mad at me. It is honestly the worst pain I’ve ever felt in the world…

I’m going to marry this man. I love him.

& Dev, if you read this, I’m sorry.

xo